dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
