What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
