If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
