well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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