So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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