If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
