So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we're making bets on your personal life
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
