How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
she pinky promised me she was 18
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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