Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
