maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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