Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
