Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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