The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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