Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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