yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
