His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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