We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
