i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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