I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize