So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
