i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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