y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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