whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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