if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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