i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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