WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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