May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
