She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
