I met the friendliest cop last night
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
