he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
