i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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