her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
