Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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