If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
