I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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