Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
