It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
