He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
