Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
