She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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