made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
