Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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