pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
