dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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