What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize