it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
