I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I love having hate sex.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize