I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
