just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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