what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
