Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
