She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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