God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
