You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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