Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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