Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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