you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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