I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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