if you like me you must not know who I am
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
