I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize