dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
