Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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