I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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