Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
