I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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