I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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