Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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